Cleaning out the junk drawer in my mind
A "FREE" box of inanities
INNOVATIONS
MANDATED ALGORITHM MAPPING
WHAT: The ability to send an FOIA-like request to tech companies for a document mapping how/why a particular ad or suggestion was served by The Algorithm
WHY: Mental peace and inner tranquility. They say they’re not listening; that the real reason our phones seem to be listening is actually both more boring and complex than a hot iPhone mic. Okay. That’s okay. But I’d like to see the internet breadcrumb trail that led to YouTube recommending the “Fook Yu, Fook Me” Austin Powers clip after I quoted “Fook me? Fook you!” to my boyfriend. I’d just like to see it.
UNDER-THE-BED FREEZER
WHAT: A freezer that looks like a safe and slides neatly under the bed
WHY: Ice cream storage—so you don’t have to traipse to the kitchen to put the pint back after indulging in bedtime dairy. (The target market for this invention is lazy people and secret Santas at a loss.)
PERIPHERAL BENEFIT: Bamboozle burglars. They’ll see what looks like an under-the-bed safe and assume, fairly, that it is an under-the-bed safe. Nope! No safety bonds. Just Häagen-Dazs.
EMOJI WITH DOUBLE CHIN
WHY: Enriching. Useful.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I am not the first to clock this lapse. Sign the “We need a double chin emoji” petition today.
YOU-PICK-THREE AILMENTS MENU
WHY: Physical deterioration is inevitable. But if we could choose our old-age maladies, it may lesson their sting.*
WHAT: An à la carte menu of ailments (and a small #2 pencil) distributed to all humans on their 31st birthday. One can check off one’s preferred afflictions (hair loss, hearing loss, sexual appetite loss, cataracts, etc.). Minimum three. Masochists and hardos can opt for more.
*There is a high probability the opposite will happen.
VIDEO MEETING EXIT EFFECTS
WHAT: A suite of animated effects one can deploy when leaving virtual meetings, e.g. puff of smoke, tsunami, fake kidnapper putting a bag over your head and pulling you backward, velvet curtains closing, taxi cab pulling up
WHY: Because virtual meetings are existentially depressing and we must be rigorous in neutralizing mundane affronts to the soul.
A MEGAPHONE FOR YOUR STILL SMALL VOICE
OR: A hearing aid for your heart (to better discern your still small voice).
FREE IDEAS
SPEEDING TICKET REVENUE SOURCE
Monitor showtimes for James Bond, Fast and the Furious, and any Tom Cruise film. Position highway patrol in movie theater vicinity. Rake in le dough from wannabe action heroes hopped up on ICEEs and fantasies.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I am not a narc.
TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTION
"Planned downtime"
PRINCE LYRIC AS PROPOSAL SCRIPT
“If we got married, would that be cool?”
CARJACKING OPPORTUNITY
Extreme winter weather is a good time to steal a vehicle. There are usually many cars running with the keys in the ignition.
BRIDAL SHOWER HACK
It is often requested that bridal shower attendees bring a favorite recipe for the bride-to-be. A funny and easy solution is to jot down the “recipe” for Disaronno on the rocks. I have employed this hack one time and have a 100% success rate.
HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA
OPINIONS/THEORIES
ONE VERSION OF THIS INTRODUCTION IS EXPONENTIALLY BETTER THAN THE OTHER
"For those of you I don't know" > "For those of you who don't know me"
THERE IS ONLY ONE NOBLE REASON TO WASTE TIME ON YOUR PHONE
To procrastinate finishing a book you don’t want to be over
“COMPLICATED” AND “HOTLINE BLING” ARE THE SAME SONG
Butt-hurt passive-aggressive narrator indicts lover for “changing” and “not being themselves anymore,” claiming the person’s best interest but belying petty jealously and a nefarious attempt to control. (Is my projecting showing?)
GOOD WILL HUNTING AND CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON ARE THE SAME MOVIE
No one can teach hot-headed savant anything except mentor who ultimately teaches hot-headed savant that love is all there is.
ASPIRING AUTHORS SHOULD NOT MODERATE AUTHOR TALKS
There's a conflict of interest—they’re desperate for an audience, invariably lack self-awareness, and inevitably hijack the conversation. Only published writers should interview other published writers, for readers’ sake!
PEAS ARE THE ULTIMATE CULINARY DISRUPTORS
They do not go quietly into any dish. They are a vocal minority. PEATA would be an apt name for a coalition of loud-mouthed peas.
QUESTIONS
Why isn’t seagull poop more of a beach hazard?
Why isn’t Eminem the spokesman for M&Ms?
What font is “OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR”? (No one seems to know.)
FACTS
The second man on the moon’s first words on the moon were “beautiful view.”
When you type, "You say potato, I say potato," it just looks like the same potato.
In France wokeism is le Wokisme. Stir sticks are bâtons de café.
Officially, the snack area at the Red Cross is called The Canteen.
Nicholas Cage has starred in these movies: The Wicker Man, The Weather Man, The Family Man, and Matchstick Men.