Holiday gift ideas!

🎶 Can't keep these gifts to myself 🎶

Nov 27, 2023

I mean I could but why would I want to?

GIFT CARD + ACCOUTREMENTS

Gas gift card + custom glow-in-the-dark keychain

Suggested keychain text courtesy of Wayne

Fast food gift card + fancy candlesticks

For a romantic dinner In This Economy

Bookstore gift card + vintage bookends

eBay is your friend. May I suggest… alabaster horse heads, midcentury slates, Japanese collie/wolf, Murano glass fruit (!!!), wooden mallards, glazed cats, logs, and/or a bull and matador. You can’t buy these sick lucite numbers though, ‘cause I beat ya to it!

FOR KIDS

Schleich animal figurines*

Kids are just like us: self-obsessed. Nourish their narcissism by assigning them an animal equivalent, then sending along a note explaining why they’re a kangaroo (“athletic, headstrong, punchy, cute”).

Zoological representation of my nieces and nephews, aka nibling menagerie

*I first beheld these on Cup of Jo!

Non-toys

It is my experience that little kids love mundane adult belongings. I think this is because the child brain automatically categorizes anything owned and operated by adults as Off-Limits & Therefore Tantalizing. Here are a few boring things children would be thrilled to have “their own” of: a set of keys, a flyswatter, a ream of paper, a clipboard, a flashlight, a dust-buster, a stethoscope, and/or a call bell. The “OBJECTS” section of the emoji library is a fruitful resource.

Note: It is critical that the items not be PATRONIZING FABRICATIONS (i.e. toy versions) of grown-up stuff. They must be 100% auténtico.

One year as a Normal Child all I wanted for Christmas was my own personal supply of printer paper. I am on record saying it was my favorite gift.

A big box of balls

Self-explanatory!

Kiddie jackhammer* and floor puzzle (or other jackhammer-able surface)

Aka “DIY fracking playset,” as coined by my friend Steph.

This is a working theory, but I believe the sanctioned demolition of an educational puzzle would 1) Motivate faster completion 2) Ingrain knowledge into the cranium of a child in a way rote memorization never could.

*An exception to the “no kiddie version” rule, for obvious reasons

NOVELTIES

Three-headed toothbrush

Optional accoutrement: Luxury toothpaste

threesided soft bristle toothbrush complete teeth gum care for adults gentle cleaning for every tooth 0

Rose-shaped blush brushes

Optional accoutrement: Bougie rouge

Day of the week clock

Non-optional accoutrement: One AA battery

DayClocks Time and Day of the week Wall Clock with Aluminium Frame - Picture 1 of 7 — Another version for the person really “in it” this year

LEISURE KITS

The Winning Number Kit

A book that tells you which lucky numbers correspond to the subjects of your dreams + melatonin gummies (Lotto ticket sold separately.)

The Pyromaniac Kit

Personalized BIC lighter + whimsical candle (or pack of Pall Malls)

Don’t be like me and commit blatant copyright infringement on your BIC

The Philately Kit

Personalized return address stamp + a sheet of fun stamps

Buyer’s bonus: Ordering stamps from the USPS website catalyzes a delightful phenomenon—getting mail from the mail.

NOVEL APPROACHES TO BOOKS AS GIFTS

A book by their favorite author’s favorite author

An ex-boyfriend once gave me a book by Eudora Welty because Eudora Welty was one of my favorite author’s* favorite authors. The relationship perished, but the genius gifting hack (and love for Eudora Welty) lives on. You could also try a book by the recipient’s favorite athlete’s, musician’s, or artist’s favorite author.

*Alice Munro

A book published the year they were born